I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
