I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
