Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
