it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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