If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
