I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
