Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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