To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
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