come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
