He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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