I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
