So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
