I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
someone get that fucking seahorse.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
