i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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