My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
