I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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