No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I need to calm my uterus...
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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