DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
