I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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