i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Less talking, more tequila
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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