non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
