if only i could text you this smell
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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