Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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