i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
The police scanner is talking about you again....
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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