i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Randomize
