So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I just blew my weed a kiss
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
