a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
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Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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