did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
