if you like me you must not know who I am
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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