Got a toothbrush?
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
