u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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