i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize