just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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