dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
