Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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