im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
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