Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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