you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Say something about gay babies.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
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I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
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i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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