my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
