Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
