Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
