last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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