hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
