I didn't shave. On purpose
he was CRYING into my vagina
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
