she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Randomize
