Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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