Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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