OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
soo... how was my night?
Randomize
