I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
