Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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