There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
