youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
